Deer Jesus Epistle: Thanksgiving Day

I thought it might be nice to write something for this week, and I tried – I really did – but Facebook locked up on me before I could finish it, trashing the whole bloody clipboard and all of my material just disappeared.  So unless you are Michael Nesmith and have some special deal worked out with Zuckerberg, I would compose any weighty tomes offline and then upload.  Kind of a, “no red wine with fish,” rule for frequent Facebookers.

Speaking of which, there will be no “loaves and fishes” type miracles between now and December 21.  I and the Staff went over this detail fairly early on in the planning process and we decided, based on what happened the first time, there would be no point to it.  So, yes, there was a loaf of bread and three fishes and we fed a crowd of about 2,000.  That part was true.  The problem was that there was a crowd of 6,000 starving Palestinians who had given up the previous night’s meal because they heard what we were going to do and got all excited and fasted.  That’s what people do in the Middle East when they get excited – they fast.  So, contrary to Catholic reports of this being a “successful” miracle, it actually pissed off about two-thirds of everybody who showed up.  Fasting makes people so cranky.

So my Staff said, “never again.”  And with all the kids and baby carriages nowadays, people are going to steal – and you know they will – so it doesn’t matter if you prepare a proper miracle, it’s just never going to be enough.  People are hungry.  Starving.  They think it’s for booze, or food, or sex, or drugs, but none of that is true.  Anyone who’s ever come off a long bender, lost a lot of weight, ended a polyamorous relationship with two or more bisexual nymphomaniacs, or fried on mushrooms in a crowded college dorm at night after rolling in a field of sticky weeds — they will tell you, “life is very hard to adjust to without adding challenges.”  As a person who knows a lot of people who at one time drank, drugged, ate and screwed their way into what they thought was heaven, I can tell you to save your money, keep your empty baby carriages at home, the whole event will be seen on cable.  Yes, we’re talking to HBO.  Unless Roy Jones, Jr. tries to make another comeback the night of the 21st, the End of the World, Part One, is coming.  The people at HBO warned me that the Jones fight could happen, so my Staff is working with Roy’s publicists to make sure it doesn’t – probably going to cost me a couple weddings or a half dozen annulments, but don’t worry.  We are going to make December 21st, 2012, happen for a lot of people.  Not everybody wants to leave home in December anyway – it’s too damn cold.

We’ll do our best to have a nice lineup, maybe some Dylan, Joan Baez for sure – if they’re still getting along – Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young – whoever’s left over by then – we’ll have them over for some coffee, maybe some nice Baklava, talk about what really happened in the 1960’s and where we screwed it up.  So, yeah, Judy Collins has already turned us down.

That’s always a nice way to start a confessional program – talking about the mistakes we’ve made.  Jerry Springer doesn’t do that, notice?  Some of my Staff talked to Jerry’s people so, unlike some HBO programs, this one won’t have any midgets, dwarves, little people, swords, naked women or fancy dresses.  Maybe we can give a little on the naked women, but it has to be tasteful – maybe the waist-up, or something – because HBO wants to make money.  I just worry that it will end up like backstage of a Jimi Hendrix concert.  I asked the man upstairs if we could raise the dead before the End of the World, Part One, because I wanted Jimi to play the Star Spangled Banner or Purple Haze or All Along the Watchtower, but He said, “no.”

When the man upstairs says, “no,” you really don’t have a lot of wiggle room to negotiate.  I tried once.  I still have the scars.  Take it from me.  Don’t improvise.  Do what makes you happy and don’t start talking about what’s wrong with other people’s neighborhoods or you could end up nailed to a tree or something.  I thought the white jackass was a nice touch, kind of cutesy, kind of a slam – and He warned me – but then, before you know it, some fasting Palestinians got a hold of me and they let a camel thief go rather than the first Jewish rabbi-comedian to ever mix religion, magic tricks and some juggling into the same act.   A lot of people don’t know that about me, but I juggled on the side at bar mitzvahs to make ends meet when the carpentry stuff got slow, usually in the Spring.  It’s come in handy on Sundays when all those prayers start backing up and we get short-handed.

All of this to say, be grateful for your family and friends today.  The End of the World, Part One is coming, it is real – we’ve put down a deposit – so it’s just a matter of getting the people who want to be a part of it in the flow and usually – somewhere near the first or second run-through – a theme starts to come up like popcorn.  Someone in the group, or one of my Staff catches it, and before you know it, we have a show that everybody likes and wants to be a part of.  We can start with the Winter solstice, but that’s really kind of lame and this should be extra-ordinary.  With Andy Williams gone and Tony’s voice not what it used to be, it’s just not the same.  Somebody remembered Claudine Longet, but, with all that snow and skiing – the Penn State thing – I just didn’t want to go there.  But I’ve seen some of the storyboards and met with some of the lighting guys, I’ve got to say we’re in for a real treat this holiday season.  All the drama, all the excitement, all the butterflies, all the anticipation – and then, a pearl left with the crowd to ponder just in time for Christmas Eve.

I’ll try to come back online as time permits and the planning for a theme starts to reveal itself, but I’ve been kind of busy with ObamaCare and all the disappointment – and the tears…there have been a lot of tears.  On both sides.  It’s what happens when you let your criminals retire to live in Preston instead of Corcoran,  but I’ll leave you with that as a cliffhanger and get back to tie it off before we get too close to the final go-live date.

Happy Thanksgiving, God Bless you and your’s – have a lovely day.  If you’re reading this, you’ve earned it!

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